numb ourselves from pain

​How often do we try to de-sensitise ourselves from pain or hurt?
We experience an emotion, maybe it is referred to as negative and we seek for a way out of it. A way to forget about it, mute it or even dull its expression. 

For me, in the past when I experienced overwhelm, hurt or sadness, I naturally looked for something that could numb the experience. Music, exercise, alcohol or even marijuana would be a suitable vice. I would immediately seek refuge in the numbed experience as opposed to allowing myself the journey of the flowing cycle. When I experienced loss or separation, I embodied a mindset of “I am better than this.” I would become proactive and make myself immensely busy to prove I am something. But what is that? I would tell myself that I am strong and successful, and my actions and ambitions would seek to prove that to the people around me. Deep down I was just seeking approval and if I couldn’t receive it from one person then I would look for it in another person and so on until it was fulfilled.

The cycles of emotions aren’t bad. The flux of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ is normal. It is the law of polarity. We cannot experience one without the other.  

However, I am now practicing my ability to sit in my emotions. In the fullest, most raw and vulnerable way that I can; without the assistance of any outer influences or substances. Just me, sitting and crying, or yelling and screaming. 

I realise then that this emotion is only an indication of something from my past that is seeking assistance. A part of me calling out to be seen and loved from a time where self-awareness wasn’t in my field of vision. Now I can see it. Now I can feel it. Now I can love that part of me and it makes the present moment worth experiencing.

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